This is investigative reporter Donald P. Stoddard for Secret Society Watch.

Over the past year, I have infiltrated a Masonic Lodge in order to find out the truth about the Illuminati-Freemasonry connection. Freemasons have been denying any association with the Illuminati for years, but this reporter remained suspicious about the information surrounding the two orders.

The primary reason that I believed such a connection must exist was the fact that Freemasons had opposed such an assertion vehemently. When I met with a local Mason on the street to ask him about the Illuminati’s presence in the fraternity, he replied “I don’t even know what the Illuminati is.” A suspicious statement for a man that is suppose to keep such a connection secret. When I later petitioned a Masonic Lodge so that I might gain admittance and thus become privy to their well-kept secret, I was asked why I wanted to become a Mason. I replied, “I’m interested to see what sort of affect that the fraternity has on society, if you catch my drift.” The investigating Masons laughed and I was accepted into the lodge shortly thereafter, a clear sign that I was on the right track to discovering the presence of the Illuminati in one of America’s largest and most secret organizations.

After receiving the degrees, it was quite clear to me that the Masonic fraternity was interested in presenting allegorical lessons that required further learning in order to understand their meaning, or more correctly, become a functioning member of the Illuminati. The members of the lodge informed me that most of the United States’ presidents had been Masons. I was only aware of fourteen that had belonged to the fraternity, but several Brothers assured me that other presidents had indeed belonged. This reporter will refer to those presidents and other public officials that are not publicly known to be Freemasons, but are claimed as Brothers in the organization as “Secret Masons.” I discovered that such Secret Masons included Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, Barack Obama, Dick Cheney, and even Simon Cowell. So the Masons, or the Illuminati, weren’t only concerned about controlling the country or the world, but they were also eager to fill the airwaves with terrible pop music in order to dull the senses of the masses. Ingenious!

When I finally got around to asking the Worshipful Master of the lodge—and yes I said worshipful as in to be worshiped–if I could attend one of the Illuminati’s meetings, he informed me that I was asking the wrong person. Of course, he was correct. I had made the error of thinking that a simple Master Mason belonged to the Illuminati. It was obvious that only 32nd Degree members were allowed to attend these meetings. I quickly became a member of the Scottish Rite to earn that degree and was once again disappointed to find that I would not be admitted to the meetings of the Illuminati as a 32nd Degree Mason. It was evident that I would have to receive the 33rd Degree, which I would have to wait nearly eight years to obtain. Indeed, these Masons were no novices at running the world. It is quite smart to make sure that only the most devoted members are allowed to have their voices heard at a meeting of the Illuminati.

However, when I asked one of the 33rd Degree members if I would be able to finally find out more about the Illuminati when I reached that degree, he replied, “Well, you might find just what your looking for by becoming a Shrine Clown” and whipped out a petition. I eagerly signed it and donned my red nose and floppy shoes so that I could finally become a member of the Illuminati. So I have been tirelessly performing at the Shrine Circus in order to gain a reputation among the other clowns and be invested with membership in the Illuminati. It appears that the Masons realize that the key to global domination is to influence the inexperienced minds of America’s youth. This is certainly a conspiracy that even Dan Brown couldn’t develop.

Yes, you heard it here first folks, the Shrine Clowns are the modern day version of the Illuminati and they are aided by the help of their many fellow Secret Masons in the entertainment industry. The truth is that the vast majority of people featured on programs such as CNN’s Showbiz Tonight are fellow clowns, helping to spread the Freemasons’ gospel of a New World Order. Now, this reporter is off to what he hopes is his first Illuminati meeting where about twenty of us will be gathering to discuss our master plan in a 1990 Ford Festiva disguised inconspicuously as a circus vehicle.

Until next time, this is Investigative Reporter Donald P. Stoddard for Secret Society Watch.